The name of my blog is the Pursuit of Meaning. I wrote a post about it back in January: https://chloeamericorps.wordpress.com/2013/01/21/the-pursuit-of-meaning/
In that post I said,
“My thought of the day: Happiness is when we take; meaning is when we give.
Let’s all give more…”
But right now I’m really experiencing the saying, if you don’t have anything left in your own cup, you won’t have anything left to give.
I’ve been struggling here lately. Struggling with the bureaucracy of the organization, with little say as the lowest on the totem pole—an AmeriCorps member. I’ve fought to hold onto my commitments with Seedme and with the personal commitments with people I’ve built relationships with surrounding the program. I’ve done all that I could to advocate for myself and the program to allow it to continue on with limited funding, support and time.
But it hasn’t been enough.
I’ve told myself since day one I wanted to challenge myself to go beyond the daily tasks and busy work and to find purpose and meaning.
And through all the ups and downs the last eight months, I can now look back and say I was able to do that. I was thrown obstacles left and right and was able to work around them.
But can I still do that with what I’m left with now?
Sometimes you have to step back and ask yourself, is this the right place at the right time? Am I able to use my skills and my passions to help people, or am I spinning my tires deeper into a sinkhole?
The biggest reason I’m fighting to stay here isn’t committing to a year of service. But to commit to what I value in my heart, what fills me up so that I can give to others. If there’s nothing in my own cup right now, how can I serve others these last six months here?
I don’t know if that’s an answer I can see clearly right now, and a decision will have to be made regardless.
At the end of the day, a friend reminded me that,
“Loving and caring is something you will always do. Where you do that is the only real question. We are to be blessings on others wherever we are.”
And to me, maybe it was enough of a lesson these last eight months that I can walk away from it in peace.
After all, I know I will always care, and always love.